The Last Day of Summer

It's not the official last day of summer yet, but school is back in session so, as a teacher, the season is dead to me. Honestly, teaching messes up your annual scheduling overall. New Years gets bumped to September and the whole December 31/January 1st thing is more of a Christmas Afterparty.

So, in the spirit of the season, I'm going to make a resolution. The biggest problem with resolutions, of course, is that there is a lot of stuff I need to work on. I have health goals, goals for interpersonal relationships, goals for my intrapersonal relationship, writing goals, art goals, teaching goals, goals about narrowing down how many goals I have -- more goals in my little head than all the soccer fields in Europe. How do I narrow it down to just one?

If only there was a way to make an overarching goal that would allow me to work on all my goals simultaneously...she wrote, setting up the main point of her post with max subtlety.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." It's not a description of a transaction, of course. It's not like you smile at God and he snaps his fingers to get you that car you've been salivating over. It's a description of a process. When you start finding joy and peace in God -- when you stop trying so hard and just rest -- your desires change. You change. Maybe you even become content enough that all you desire is to just exist in the present moment, secure because you know your value, you know you're always loved, and whatever happens can't change any of that.

So, that's where I want to get to. "But Katie, you seem like you already know that stuff," I hear you say. Thanks, I appreciate it. However, as many of you probably know, head knowledge is a lot different from true belief. Just think about how many times you've said to someone, "Don't worry about what others think," and you know without a doubt that you're right even though you yourself are completely paralyzed because of what others might think.

I know, factually, that God loves me and I'm enough as I am. I know I don't have to earn forgiveness or a place in the family, but I don't truly believe it. Even now, in my mind, there's a stereo playing "You Need to Try Harder Because Right Now You're a Failure" (the remix) on loop. So, I let other people's judgements curl up beneath my skin. I let people push me around. But this year...

This year my mind turned to me and said, "I don't want to be this person anymore." I was surprised at first at her honesty, and surprised that I agreed with her. Then I was scared, because I know that character development isn't as easy as cartoons make it out to be. I'm afraid of how I might react when I don't manage to complete a face-heel turn on a dime.

My resolution is less about trying something than it is about relearning how to breathe. Any time I think I need to hurt or push myself past my limits or even just be someone else in order to be worthy, I'm going to remind myself that God loves me, and that I'm enough. The truth is, I have about as much chance at following through on this resolution as anyone else has with their own New Years Resolutions. But if I stop seeing God as a guy up in the clouds just waiting for an excuse to strike me with a lightning bolt and start seeing him as the guy who was willing to die for me regardless of whether I ever thanked him for it, I think I'll start delighting in him. Then, he'll give me the desire of my heart. And what my heart desires is to know its safe and loved.

Wish me luck, internet dwellers.